When Good Intentions Need Better Words
Have you ever said something with good intentions, only to realize that it came out completely wrong? Maybe you are searching for better words to support someone who is struggling, or perhaps, like us, you want to better understand how your words can affect someone who is already carrying more than you can see. This page was created to help all of us communicate with greater compassion, understanding and care.
Before you respond, ask yourself: Will my words help this person feel safer, or make them regret telling me?
​The words we choose may not solve every problem, but they can help someone feel seen, heard and less alone. None of us will always say the perfect thing, and when our words come out wrong, we can listen, apologize, learn and try again. Compassionate communication begins when we stop trying to correct someone’s pain and start creating a safe place for them to share it. Change the words. Change the moment. You may help change a life.
Instead of Saying....Try saying
Instead of saying…
​
“Other people have it worse.”
Try saying…
“Your pain matters, even if someone else is hurting too.”
“Just get over it.”
“I know healing takes time. You do not have to rush for me.”
“You need to be stronger.”
“You do not have to pretend to be strong with me.”
“You’re too sensitive.”
“I can see that this deeply affected you.”
“Stop being so negative.”
“Tell me what has been weighing on you.”
“You don’t look sick.”
“I believe you, even when I cannot see what you are experiencing.”
“It’s all in your head.”
“What you are experiencing is real and deserves care.”
“You should be better by now.”
“There is no deadline for healing.”
“At least…”
“That sounds incredibly difficult. I am here.”
“Everything happens for a reason.”
“I am sorry this happened to you. You did not deserve it.”
“You have so much to be grateful for.”
“Gratitude and pain can exist at the same time.”
“You’re just looking for attention.”
“Your behavior tells me you may need care and connection.”
“Here we go again.”
“I can see this is coming back strongly. What would help right now?”
“Why can’t you be like you used to be?”
“I care about who you are today, not only who you were before.”
“You’re not trying hard enough.”
“I may not see all the effort this is requiring from you.”
“You’re a burden.”
“You matter to me, even when life is difficult.”
“Calm down.”
“You are safe with me. Let’s slow this moment down together.”
“Just think positively.”
“You do not have to hide your pain to make me comfortable.”
“I know exactly how you feel.”
“I may not fully understand, but I want to listen.”
“You need to move on.”
“I will not pressure you to heal according to my timeline.”
“Just take your medication.”
“You deserve informed care that considers your experiences, concerns and safety.”
“You need medication.”
“Maybe we can go see a medical professional together, would that be okay with you?”
“Have you tried exercising?”
“Would you like ideas, practical help or simply someone to listen?”
“You always cancel.”
“I miss you, and I understand that showing up may be difficult right now.”
“Call me if you need anything.”
“Can I bring dinner, sit with you or check on you tomorrow?”
“I won’t tell anyone.”
“I will respect your privacy, but if your life is in immediate danger, I will help connect you with support.”
Amazing things begin to happen when you truly listen to someone. You start to notice patterns, understand their reactions and recognize what they may need, even if you cannot fully understand what they are experiencing. Many people remain silent because they fear being judged, feel embarrassed by their actions or carry shame about who they are and how they responded to their pain. Your role is not to make them defend or explain themselves. Your role is to create a compassionate, judgment free space where they can speak honestly, feel emotionally safe and be comfortably themselves with you. People tell the truth when they feel safe enough to be heard.
Why the Why Matters Too
To better understand why compassionate language is so important, especially in suicide prevention, we created this growing list of statements that can either shut a person down or help them feel safe enough to keep talking. This list may never be complete. As we continue listening to people with different experiences, identities and stories, we will continue learning and adding to it. Suicide prevention requires humility. We cannot assume that what helped one person will be safe or helpful for everyone.
Before accessing external resources:
Please note: The following links will direct you to websites outside of AASP THEY MATTER. These resources are provided for educational purposes only. AASP THEY MATTER does not control or endorse external content and does not provide medical or mental health treatment. If you need personal medical or mental health support, please seek assistance from a qualified professional.
Harmed Community
Some people have experienced serious adverse effects, withdrawal complications or lasting harm associated with medication. Telling someone in that community, “Just take medicine. It will help,” can reopen a deeply painful experience. They may feel dismissed, misunderstood or pressured to repeat something they believe harmed them. They may pull away, become silent or decide that it is no longer safe to tell you what they are experiencing. This does not mean medication is harmful to everyone. It means that every person deserves individualized, informed care and the freedom to speak honestly about both benefit and harm. The CDC reports that adverse drug events involving medications broadly lead to more than 1.5 million emergency department visits and nearly 500,000 hospitalizations in the United States each year. These figures include many types of medications and reactions, but they remind us that medication related harm is real and should never be dismissed.
LGBTQIA+
The same humility is needed when someone is trying to understand or disclose their sexual orientation or gender identity. This can be an incredibly sensitive and vulnerable conversation. Many LGBTQIA+ people already know what parts of society, their families or their faith communities may think about them. Some have learned to remain silent because they fear rejection, humiliation, condemnation or losing the people they love. Others may assume that no Christian could ever be a safe person to tell because of painful encounters they have experienced or witnessed.
The statistics show why emotional safety matters. According to the CDC’s 2023 national data, 41 percent of LGBTQ+ high school students seriously considered suicide, compared with 13 percent of their cisgender and heterosexual peers. The CDC also found that approximately 26 percent of transgender and questioning students reported attempting suicide during the previous year. These numbers do not suggest that an LGBTQIA+ identity itself causes suicide. They point to the devastating effects that rejection, bullying, violence, isolation and lack of belonging can have on a young person’s life.
Environmental Illness and Mold Exposure
Environmental illness is another area where careless words can leave a struggling person feeling dismissed and alone. People often wonder how one person in a household of four can become extremely sick while the others appear relatively unaffected. Sharing the same home does not mean sharing the same biological response. Everyone may be exposed to the same damp environment, but health effects can vary depending on allergies, asthma, immune function, chronic illness, the amount and duration of exposure and individual susceptibility. Some people experience significant symptoms, while others experience mild symptoms or none at all. The CDC confirms that exposure to damp and moldy environments may cause a variety of health effects or no effects, and that people with asthma, mold allergies, weakened immune systems or chronic lung conditions may face greater risks. Research has linked damp indoor environments with respiratory symptoms, coughing, wheezing, worsening asthma, allergic rhinitis and hypersensitivity pneumonitis in susceptible individuals.